(Image Courtesy Qntkhvn, Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International license)
Some online quizzes ask you to choose from a list of things you may have done at some point in your life. These are meant to make you feel brave (skydived), old-school knowledgeable (used a paper map and compass), or experienced (traveled outside the country). Each affirmative answer is a point, and the most points win.
Others score differently. “Give yourself one point for each thing you haven’t done,” one says, above a list of weakly negative things (getting a traffic ticket or eating food that fell on the floor). The goal is to make you feel slightly more virtuous, briefly. But why stop there? People are crazy, and times are strange. Give yourself one point for each thing you have not done in the following list:
Told a fish or a chicken it was gorgeous before you ate it
Chewed bits of freshly-laid, still-warm bituminous asphalt
Self-surgery
Pulled another creature from your body
Dog-eared the pages of a library book
Made a written list of enemies (extra point for sending it to John Dean)
Went to care for your ex-husband’s cat and searched the place top to bottom
Used something other than toilet paper, like your own sock, or your ex’s sock
Said the phrase, “Do your research!”
Stuck a fork in a wall socket
Started a podcast
Flossed only in the two days before your dental cleaning
Said you liked to go camping but complained the whole time
Called your employees “family” then had the police stand by as you fired them
Called someone a narcissist on the first date then talked about yourself for an hour
Told someone to jump when you didn’t intend to because it looked like would hurt
Went to a foreign country and never left the hotel room
Never once had the oil changed
Lied just to make things easier for yourself
Drove more than 120 mph
Bankrupted a casino (one point for each, up to six)
Mocked a disabled person
Asked a general if you could shoot your countrymen in the legs
Dressed like a “shaman” and tried to usurp democracy
Smoked pot with Joe Rogan on the air to be cool
Made an obscene gesture then chickened out and called it a Roman salute (one point for each use)
Threatened long-time friendly neighbors
Dragged down global markets
Used high office to juice the stock of your temporary buddy’s company
Indicated you would leave canned goods outside in the provided bag for the Girl Scout drive but on the day did not because you decided you might still need those soups
Did you score less than 10? Perhaps, as the poet says, “You must change your life.”
