Most Points Wins

Some online quizzes ask you to choose from a list of things you may have done at some point in your life. These are meant to make you feel brave (skydived), old-school knowledgeable (used a paper map and compass), or experienced (traveled outside the country). Each affirmative answer is a point, and the most points win.

Others score differently. “Give yourself one point for each thing you haven’t done,” one says, above a list of weakly negative things (getting a traffic ticket or eating food that fell on the floor). The goal is to make you feel slightly more virtuous, briefly. But why stop there? People are crazy, and times are strange. Give yourself one point for each thing you have not done in the following list:

Told a fish or a chicken it was gorgeous before you ate it

Chewed bits of freshly-laid, still-warm bituminous asphalt

Self-surgery

Pulled another creature from your body

Dog-eared the pages of a library book

Made a written list of enemies (extra point for sending it to John Dean)

Went to care for your ex-husband’s cat and searched the place top to bottom

Used something other than toilet paper, like your own sock, or your ex’s sock

Said the phrase, “Do your research!”

Stuck a fork in a wall socket

Started a podcast

Flossed only in the two days before your dental cleaning

Said you liked to go camping but complained the whole time

Called your employees “family” then had the police stand by as you fired them

Called someone a narcissist on the first date then talked about yourself for an hour

Told someone to jump when you didn’t intend to because it looked like would hurt

Went to a foreign country and never left the hotel room

Never once had the oil changed

Lied just to make things easier for yourself

Drove more than 120 mph

Bankrupted a casino (one point for each, up to six)

Mocked a disabled person

Asked a general if you could shoot your countrymen in the legs

Dressed like a “shaman” and tried to usurp democracy

Smoked pot with Joe Rogan on the air to be cool

Made an obscene gesture then chickened out and called it a Roman salute (one point for each use)

Threatened long-time friendly neighbors

Dragged down global markets

Used high office to juice the stock of your temporary buddy’s company

Indicated you would leave canned goods outside in the provided bag for the Girl Scout drive but on the day did not because you decided you might still need those soups

Did you score less than 10? Perhaps, as the poet says, “You must change your life.”