“Demure” once meant full-skirted dresses, chaste necklines, low-heeled pumps, and pearls. Sweetness, modesty, a 1950s femininity that did not assert itself. In my all-girls Catholic high school, it was still held up as an ideal in the late 1970s—but by the time we graduated from college, we snorted at the thought.
For four decades, “demure” has sat (daintily, legs crossed at the ankles) on my list of lost words, surrounded by “gallivant,” “canoodle,” “beau” (now “bae”), and “gay” meaning carefree. So I watched “demure” go viral with one eyebrow ever so slightly raised. Surely this was a spinoff from Stepford—I mean “trad”—wives? Yet another set of rules for women, who cannot be allowed to simply be.
Then I saw the accompanying adjective “cutesy.” Which I have never in my life seen or used as a compliment. In my lexicon, it induces nausea. Demure’s other new companion, “mindful,” seemed to be morphing from the latest therapy trend to a scold about courtesy and self-discipline. Not the usual fodder for social media. Yet even the White House and Delta Airlines were grabbing the trend, tacking it on willy-nilly to their usual news announcements.
I had to know how all this began. A beauty influencer named Jools Lebron (joolieannie on TikTok) posted it, I read first. She was at least funny. “See how I do my makeup for work? Very demure, very mindful…. A lot of you girls go to the interview looking like Marge Simpson and go to the job looking like Patty and Selma. Not demure.” She explained that she would never show up at work with a green cut crease, and I had to google that. (Just another eye shadow hack.)
Another article gave more background: Lebron made the viral video in her car before going into her new job as a cashier. I was starting to like her. A lot of her emphasis seemed to be on relaxing, losing the drama, not getting all extra. And young woman are never so alluring as when they are simple, barely adorned at all. But I still felt a little nervous about the repetition of an injunction long used to keep women passive, “feminine” in the most pleasing way (to men).
And then, late in a third article, I saw that Lebron is trans, and she was directing her comments (at first at least, before they went viral) at other plus-size trans women, warning them not to overdo the makeup and low-cut necklines in a way that felt symbolic of female identity but could be a bit too much. Not confident, not poised, definitely not cutesy.
We all use words differently and pull different meanings from them. Lebron knows that: “Your demure is what it means to you.” But the media has decided that “demure” is the opposite of “brat,” and that “brat” was the summer and “demure” will be the fall. And whatever. I was still stuck on the gendered word. Had it ever, I asked in a j’accuse tone, been used for a man?
Claude, a nice literary AI, reminded me that in The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde has someone describe Dorian as having a “demure and learned air.” Claude listed several other examples—translations of classical Japanese literature; readers interpreting “honest” in The Great Gatsby as meaning “something like demure”; E.M. Forster’s Maurice described “in terms that could be considered demure”; Kazuo Ishiguro’s butler in The Remains of the Day being “characterized in ways that, while not explicitly using the word ‘demure,’ align closely with its meaning.”
Come now. Can we please concede that this is a word customarily applied to those who identify as female? “Some people express discomfort with using ‘demure’ for men, suggesting that it may imply weakness or submissiveness,” another source informed me, adding that when used for a woman it is considered a compliment. You know, because women are nicer when they are weak and submissive.
Other words listed alongside “demure” are “meek,” “modest,” “shy,” and “retiring.” Does Lebron know where she is taking us?
I need not have worried. The smartasses on X are having fun with this trend. “if you were demure you would’ve googled it discreetly and went on with your day,” posts @papatriste on X. “See how I didn’t take my full shot of tequila because I know I’d throw up? Very mindful, very demure,” posts @jbfan911. “see how I’m not ran thru and keep my legs closed very demure, very classy, very mindful,” posts @r_rahyaa. “You see how I take my antidepressants every day? Very demure, very mindful,” says a TikToker, though I am not sure this one is sarcasm; she may be earnestly advocating responsible self-care.
And that may be part of the virality. Trends fly past us now; this one will be over by the time you read this. But they spark because they rub against a real need, and I wonder if maybe, now that we have torn up all the rules and norms, there might be a hunger for some advice on how to live. How to be. The guard rails that once kept people courteous, disciplined, and modest have been flattened, and a lot of cars have been sailing over the cliff.
A makeup artist who was filming himself when a 4.4 earthquake hit L.A. was complimented for grace under pressure: “You see how you handled that earthquake. Very demure. Very mindful.” A dentist urged people to not brush too hard and “use just enough toothpaste…. Remember, be demure.” Demure shows poise and restraint. Keeps calm. Stays seated when the plane lands. Votes.
This obsolete word suddenly has so many meanings, it means almost nothing. Yet deep down, we get it. We could all point, given contrasting pairs, to the person who looked and acted demure. Because what is not demure is excess, drama, narcissism, a lack of self-respect, cheap display, self-indulgence. To sum it up: American culture at its worst.
Surely the medieval French did not expect this when they assigned “demure” the meaning of “sober, grave, or serious.” This origin completely confused me until I saw that in the fourteenth century, the word also meant “calm, settled.” Secure within oneself, not racing around trying to prove anything or splash attention on yourself.
Lebron’s demure video made such a splash that the money will pay for the rest of her transition. Now we just have to make sure she doesn’t bring too many rules for the rest of us.
Read more by Jeannette Cooperman here.
